This is me

So this special blog is late as usual... I wanted time to think of what I was going to put in this blog. Well recently I filled out the 11 facts about me that you didn't know.. Well there are more and let me tell you..

I struggle a lot with how I think of myself... I don't see myself as pretty or beautiful and when someone says that it shocks me because I don't see myself that way. Looking at every other girl I don't think I am pretty compare to them. It started when I was young comparing myself to others. I still compare myself once in a while to other girls even to my group of friends. Don't get me wrong I would not trade my close group of girl friends for anyone else. I love them all very much.

I dislike disappointments and letting someone down or being let down. It upset me that I actually let someone down but it hurts more when someone lets me down. Sometimes I feel like I am not a good friend because I can't be there right now.

I use to think that I could never be love by me or by anyone else. Loving myself is hard but its harder for me to let someone else love me. I still think that I can't let anyone else love me because I won't let them in close enough. It took me a while to open up to my close group of friends back home and I mean I am scared that one day that trust won't be there anymore.

You see I have trust issues even with my friends even in a relationship. Its something that I admit that I am struggling with. I never had close friends that are so caring before so its very hard to being able to trust a group of friends with my problems. I always think of Proverbs 3:5 when I have trust issues and its hard to let those trust go and let God take care of them.

There are times when I just want to be by myself but those time scare me. I don't like to be alone (maybe thats my extravert side.) It makes me go crazy when I am alone. I know being alone can be a good thing but for me is hard because I think of stuff that I don't want to think about.

I have my ups and downs moments too... I know there is always a smile on my face when I meet someone or I see someone I know (especially in church). I feel like I should bring happiness to someone else day other than mine. I have a fear of crying in front of people I trust and know. I fear that you guys will see me as a weak person and not a strong person. I tend not to let my emotion  show so that is why I like to cry alone.  It took me a while to actually cry and share moments of my past to my life group that I usually don't share with anyone else (other than Shari). Before being able to show my emotion you guys there were only a few who would see that me in tears. I want to show people that I am strong emotionally and mentally, but the truth is that sometime I am not strong. I can let the smallest thing get to me and break me up inside but I  will always have a smile on face when you see me.

I am not perfect. I mess up a lot. It took a while for me to accept that I can't be perfect and to live up to being perfect. God didn't make me to be perfect. I know I am still his daughter though all the messes that I have made. So it took me awhile to write down who I really am.

There are 4 posted notes that I keep on the wall where my laptop is... Trust.. Love.. Smile and Proverbs 3:5. Those three things reminds each day that I can trust God with all my problems, show someone else love, to smile at a stranger because you never know what is going on with them, and Proverbs 3:5 is one of my favorite verse. I hope you guys enjoy this